school textbook

The Word of Thy Kong

The world at one time was nothing but pudding. God looked down upon his creation and thought "I can't eat all this pudding" he looked in the mirror and a image of bill cosby our lord and savior appeared. With a face shimmering with kindness he smiled, opened his mouth and all of the things of the world today fell out of his mouth. In those bountiful amount of things that came out of God's mother was Donkey Kong. Donkey Kong should be idled for thy Kong is thy Bomb. Donkey Kong was the first being ever it was created by nothing and shall be worshipped by all. Everytime some one mentions Donkey Kong you must obey and say "Kong is thy Bomb". Kong only asks of us for 10 simple tasks:

1. Do not eat thy bananas for thy bananas are for thy Kong

2. Do not praise other Kongs for he is the only Kong.

3. Do not kill other humans for it is wrong. Ya Know?

4-10. You must sing the Kong Song 6 times while standing on the top of a tree beating your chest. singing "Kong is thy Bomb"

That is the word of the Kong.

From, John 3

A New Era of Hero

Welcome to a new decade. A period of discovery, of achievement, of mystery. Within this decade, like every decade anticeeding it, there is the need for a hero. You need someone who will answer the call of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. With new eras, come new changes. With new changes come changes even within the super hero realms. With the dawning of a new decade i propose the dawning of a new band of superheroes: (to be subsequently turned into Marvel movies for the benefits of the Tingy Wingy blog creators and to the fund for improved superheroes).
1. The huge pelvic womans son- she's got a giant pelvis and this baby with a giant brain comes out, Mars Attacks! head. He even looks like one of those aliens. And for this reason people hate him. And they, in time, gather outside his house with torches and pitchforks, but the love of his mother saves him. She suckles him on her tite and sends him down the river in a thatch raft. She then sacrafices herself to the mob in order to ensure her sons getaway and the solace that through death she will inspire her son to a greater being. The baby has a huge head and grows up looking sickly and alien and everyone gives him crap in school. He ends up having a brain aneuriysm when he sees his first nipple.
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School Textbook for Sixth Graders
Chapter Two

The God's of the First Epoch

In that time the lands were filled with many peoples, boasting many deitites. In this land were the realms of Augustine of Antilock, Barbiduabose of Trinta and, Mecadousa of Intithion. There god's Dickus Primus, Tuberculous Maximus, and Ball Sack all battled for sway and obedience. Dickus Primus was represented in the sky by the two largest stars horizontal to each other and all the stars in between going southern. Tuberculous was all the diseases that plagued everything in the villages, Ball Sack was all the faiths ballsacks. Men and women alike praised the ball sac. But then one day the ball sack was forgotten, and people began turning to cruelity, evil, and false god. The ball sack while still remaining present in everyday life became a subject of taboo, the true power of its worship untapped by the lost children of the world. then one day a child was born of a slut in the poshist hotel in land .

story time

to be taught to all sixth graders

columbus was an explorer the last of his kind. that man was a fucking legend in his time. His whole life he was in his prime. He was also talkin bout pussy night and day. When he found america he wrote to spain asking it to be called pussy island, but spain rejected to request. Living amongst the Indians columbus decided them to be dirty savages and while still enjoyed as he said "playing with their boobies" he thought they should be slaughtered. He traveled back to Spain towards the end of the journey and spent the rest of his days pumping iron in the gym, he last words said to be "dude wheres my car" forshadowing the great american classic staring our supreme leader ashton kutcher.

7 A.M. You Bastard

Wtf 7 am? You creepy little bastard?! What happened to 12 am you fucking little cannibal like kevin from sin city? you ate him didn't you, you sick pervert.....wake up, that's the message of Avatar patrick. they said it like 3 times, why dont you do it? maybe it's because the real world on pandora is so balls to the wall crazy, i like our worlds pandora more. A world of music discovery versus a world of shit that wants to kill you but at the same time our pandora doesn't let you plug into a terodactyl and let you fly over floating mountains.....you give and you take i suppose.....but let me expand on avatar b/c everyone has seen it and so, this could give our blog grounds to appeal to the masses: you see avatar is aboooooot the native americans and they were like we love nature but enough about avatar let me tell you about myself. yeah i discovered uhh some electro on pandora but maybe i don't like our pandora that much. it gives me too much bullshit i've already heard it's like yeah I like "insert song you like here" but i don't fucking like gym class heroes. i feel like gym class heroes invented pandora and have some kind of agenda for the website, their songs pop up no matter what genre or song you initially put in....Oh you like "Yesterday" by The Beatles? Well we advise you to listen to "Girl Friend" by gym class heroes because its "got a chorus and some funky tones".....This isn't the pandora that james cameron invisioned, he would be sickened. And James Cameron for that point, I represent more of the past James Cameron, the ideal one, then he does himself, i think, because I like Aliens a lot. It's like "Hey present James Cameron! Make fucking Aliens again!" (me James Cameron from the past). What a goddamn phoney. Sometimes phoney is the best word you can use because people are so goddamn phoney sometimes. Like James Cameron. But also like Matillda and yeah I mean like Matillda goes to Paris, what a fucking phoney. She was too fucking young and american to get french culture, where does she get off teaching young americans french? on that level, dora the explorer? what does she really explore? truley nothing meaningful like science, the arts, or history, she looks for a fucking animated shovel or some shit. the kids, the kids, the kids. what're we to do with the kids after they grow up off this gobbly gook? i say put them all in low end jobs: sewage, waste, cubicles, homeless ppl etc. let them do our bidding, i mean young kids scare me. they get crazy, fuck im even scared of my own generation. i literally piss myself everytime i talk to someone my own age out of fear. fear of being extorted, pillaged, raped, burned, or even loved. Love is a complicated emotion. I've got some theories for you readers: 1. Christmas Lights: just a ploy by trees to be visible during the night. yeah ive fucking seen avator you schemey little trees i know that you've got energy like a USB drive, where do you think you get by on this unoriginal bullshit? i'm sick of these james cameron knocks offs you goddamn trees. where do you get off on this? nowhere you plotting mother fuckers. 2: Snow: slowly trying to kill us all. yeah, cold and the death of all living outdoor things, you dont think i know Snow? im watching you fall out of the clouds with a doubting thomas eye you sketchball motha fuckas. 3. People who bring up numerical points with only two points: you dont need to break it down into numbers or bullet points, you only need to make a compound sentence you surly freak ass fuckas. Is this a valid point: Or just a point I've created to fulfill my own desires of a third point so that I can alleviate my own irritations that come from people making pointed points with only two points??? Watch Avatar to discover the truth. But then again, maybe don't. Only James Cameron's vision knows the truth. And not 7 am that lying cunt. Christ Andrews up now. And I dont mean "Christ Andrew" although that makes me lol to think about. I hear SILVERWARE!!!! If there were no problems with this notion, I would go see Andrews bridge right now, drunk as shit and without a wink of sleep. And you know, oh fuck the door almost opened, what i would tell everyone in that class? I'd tell them about the dawn of the ankylosaurous. I would also tell them about the yankees and fucking mariano rivera. I'd say "fuck that mariano rivera has got our number!" and those phoney highschool seniors would say, "so does American Eagle!" and I'd say "Maybe that eagle, and marionos fastball have something in common." and then we'd all be onto something. Something that probably has to do with Avatar. But only James Cameron knows for sure.

Ocho Cinco 2K11

Breaking News from TTWBlog: Chad Ocho Cinco Football 2K11. A game very similar to Madden's Be a Pro Mode wherein you create a professional player, at the position of your choice, and try to reach the highest points of a professional career a la Pacman Jones when you can make it rain in the club. Features include your choice of tweets, after a game in which you featured little, including: A. "My coach is a bigot bitch whose rotting in my personal hell." B. "Who dem dat gonna stop dem me?" C. "Suck my Cock." A cross between grand theft auto and professional football this game lets you step your "game" up. Juice up! Collect DUIs! Pre-meditate celebrations! Go Tiger Woods on your hoe! Skip out on training camp for an extra $10 million to "feed your family"!

take my strong hand

http://medicaltranscriptionist.org/biologically-curious/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/largehand.jpg

real developmental deformity called macrodactyly

Making Nothing Out Of Sense

New Tingy Wingy Blog Feature: Sweet-Ass Games!!

We here at the Tingy Wing blog always want to give our reader access to the newest and hottest interests in the world today! We know how much time is invested in gaming in today's day and age and we humbly offer our home, http://www.tingywingys.blogspot.com/ , as a forum for experiencing the joys of gaming in the 2st century! We give you: Pencil Target!

Set up and play:

1. Print out and cut along dotted lines.

2. Drop pencil onto target, taking clear notice of where the pencil's lead makes a dot on the target, and reward yourself the appropriate points!

3. Grab a buddy and alternate turns competing over Pencil Target Live (TM), connecting friends currently in the near proximity of each other!

Coach Says Team "Having Trouble Finding Their Genitals"

The head coach of a team participating in the upcoming championship of their respective sport described the atmosphere in the team's camp as being "completely panicked and dreadful of the future". With the championship game merely days away the coach explained, "with millions of viewers, constant media scrutiny, and so much at stake we're all basically shitting ourselves." When asked about the teams preparations the coach told reporters, "We're completely altering our daily routines and treating this game as something completely foreign to ourselves, the be-all end-all of our very existences". "Christ help us" he quipped as he nervously wiped noticeable streaming sweat beads off his forehead and struggled to mask the quivering fear in his voice that was as telling as his flushed and ghostly complexion.

Have You Ever Noticed That...

People back in the day had a lot shorter names - like Paul, or Rud, or Ben, or Tate; never over four letters. I think that's because nobody back then could spell or write so they just made it easy on themselves or because they all died before 30 so Thomas Paine just proclaimed "Well Fuck It!" even though that aristocratic bastard had a 6 letter name. It was a much simpler time and a lot worse time to have polio.

CD Review #1

Great new feature from the Tingy Wingy thought palace: CD Reviews

The One Stop Shop for Where Should I Stop For What CDs To Shop For

Reviewed completely with 30 second iTunes previews!

This Weeks CD:

Puddle of Mud
Volume 4: Songs In the Key of Love & Hate (Deluxe Emo-Grunge Bullshit Version)

The albums hit single is about how getting high is better than listening to a dumb girlfriend. I don't know how they came up with such profound lyricisms, I'm willing to bet they plagiarized Henry David Thoreau for something that transcendental and earth shattering. The next song is about how the singers sex is like a spaceship...or something. Anyway he's a really succesful music artist so that has to be true. The songs have a solid mix of guitars and drums and mostly sound the same. Every song has something like "leeeetss keeeep it tooogether" or "goooooonnnna fallllll appppaaarrrtt" or some other form of one building his own entity up or keeping the status quo or it all falling apart. So I have reason to believe the lead singer is capable of the whole spectrum of human emotion. Which is basically feeling happy, medium, or sad. Once again, I think they stole this genius, and the ability to express it in music form, from Thoreau. All in all I think theyre lyrics are stolen because they're too original and incredible and the music is like guitars and drums.

Tingy Wingy Grade: D+

reviews for 5 hour energy drink

Hi my name is Gary and I've been struggling with energy for years. tried me one of them 5 hour energy drinks and fell asleep an hour later. i cant complain though, i was running all over the fuckin place in the dream i had, haven't had that kind of energy in a dream in years. if your looking to boost your dream energy this product is right for you. if your looking to stay awake in the real world, then this product is shit.

--Gary, Indiana