Man Who Spends Time Compiling Top Party School Lists Stops To Ask "Why?"

After 23 years testing various means and methods to compile verifiable facts and subsequently publish those statistics in the very systematic and structural form of a list, Toben Keets, 45 year-old Top Party School rankings creator, took the time out of a Thirsty Thursday dorm party at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in Troy, New York to really question his profession, his goals, and his place in life. "Who the fuck are you even?" a befuddled and foundationally rocked Keets asked 18-year-old Freshman and liberal arts major Sarah Thompson. "Jesus," he added in contempt as he threw back a shot of hard liquor, which had become his major form of solace and escape over the years, his 16th of the night. A disgusted and defeated look shown in his gaze as he struggled to accurately survey his surroundings, an alcohol induced rage slowly glazing over his eyes as he took in the same scenario he'd seen over a thousand times. "Oh! A Bob Marly poster! Real fucking original!" he cried as he stubbled to the near wall and in one motion tore the canvas off the wall, lost his footing, crashed to the floor, and displaced a myriad of dorm room objects all in a drunken tirade. "You have to get the hell out of here dude," said Mark Weston, 19 year-old freshman and poly sci major, grabbing Keets by the back of his shirt collar and dragging him out the room before dropping him in a heap in the dormitory hallway and slamming the door behind him. Toben lay on the floor, tears streaming out his eyes, he was lost, lost, lost- wasting his days in meaningless and empty chirades. "Not bad," he thought- crawling to his feet and scrawling in his Mead notebook, "somewhere between Millsaps College and Tulane University"