Morbidly obese local man Gustoff Bigalow protested today over his increasingly referenced likliness to a manatee. "I am NOT a manatee," Gustoff cried, "I am a MAN. A fat man with dreams like any of you. Unfortunately my fatness prohibits me from accomplishing any of them." Gustoff in fact does possess many of the same hopes and dreams that you or me might have such as scoring with a hot chick, performing admirably in athletics, going on vacations, doing active things, and having a fulfilling life. Tragically, Gustoff is a fat ass and can achieve none of those things in his current state of gluttony. "Gustoff is fat as shit," said neighbor Rick Stevens before adding, "I could never see myself becoming that fat. I'd never let myself." Which raises the question, at what stage did Gustoff see himself as getting dangerously close to being way too fucking fat? Clearly, it was too late.
Tom Brockhoff, NBC
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